Sunday, October 5, 2008

A Controversial New Hire at WABC

New York (AP): In a stunning move, Citadel Broadcasting announced that they would be hiring famous television star Alan Alda to its stable of WABC personalities.

Interestingly enough, the personality in question claims that he is actually not Mr. Alda. When contacting him, the man at the other end said that his name "was really Bob Brinker, host of a money show on WABC," and asked us to "leave me alone, or I'll call the cops."

But Citadel insisted otherwise.

"We know that Mr. Brinker is really Alan Alda, there's no denying it," their representative said. "Look at his cast picture near the bottom of the WABC Personalities Page:

"He may call himself 'Bob Brinker,' but come on, that's really Hawkeye. My blind grandmother could tell you that."

When asked the reasons behind hiring the M*A*S*H actor, Citadel cited the punditry success of his former costar, Wayne Rogers, now a financial advisor and occasional cable news contributor.

A WABC official recounts, "One night I was watching Your World with Neil Cavuto, and lo and behold, Trapper John came on. And he was giving all this brilliant advice about the stock market. And I figured, if the sidekick on that show is really smart, then wouldn't the main character theoretically be a genius? I called Farid the next day."

Before they made their hiring decision, the WABC executives holed up in their offices and watched all 251 episodes of M*A*S*H. They were duly impressed.

“There’s nothing he can’t do,” gushed a unnamed talent scout. “Like the time when he mailed the camp latrine to North Korea, that was just brilliant. Or when the 4077th had a string of bad luck, and he hired that voodoo priestess to do an exorcism on the camp. We need those problem-solving skills around here."

"I particularly liked when he dressed in a gorilla suit and harassed his bunkmate," said a senior executive. "That was what cinched it for us."

However, there is a limit to his talent.

"When we hire him, we’re hiring the 'early seasons' version of him," said an unnamed source. “We're not hiring the version towards the end of the show, where he stops being funny and just whines constantly about the war. Because those episodes, frankly, kind of sucked.”


Laree said...


Col Jack Jacob's book is out. I am picking up a copy. Col Jacobs one of my favorites.

CG said...

Coolness. It's about time he wrote a book.

Guys, please forgive my bizarre sense of humor...I am seriously the only person who thinks it's funny that an Alan Alda lookalike works at WABC. (I was a huge MASH fan in middle school, in case you couldn't tell.)

Al said...

M*A*S*H was one of those shows that people looked forward to seeing each and every week!

...We love your 'bizarre' sense of humor, cG...that is why we keep checking in on this blog...

and, funny how 'A' begins Alan Alda's first and last name...
and 'B' begins Bob Brinker's first and last name...

Queenpat said...

Alan Alda reminds me of my second husband who was also named Alan. His nickname was "Hawkeye" although I had more colorful ones for him.

Funny article, CG!

CG said...

Thank you very much. :-)

Mike said...

Hah, I just got around to reading this now. Soon enough, you'll take some of the workload off Charles and start writing those RFD headlines.

Alan Alda's a cool guy. He went to my school (as did Lou Ruffino :D)and my boss at one of my "finance internships" was the head of the alumni association. I had the priviledge of mailing Mr. Alda a Fordham hat, and when he sent a thank you note back I read it back to my office in his voice. Of course, this is when the wheels weren't coming off the world of finance and one could afford to waste time mailing dopey things to celebrity alumni.

Queen Pat, your second husband comment has won you my everlasting affection. Could I be your next (sixth, seventh?) husband?