Wednesday, October 29, 2008

We Report, You Decide Not To Watch

Just think - in less than a week, this election will be OVER! The obsession has gripped the media since 2006 will subside forever! Or at least until June 2010, when we start talking about Election 2012.

Speaking of nonstop news coverage, I made a very interesting discovery a few months ago about the importance of certain news networks.

I had moved into my new apartment about a week before, and one evening I decided to sit down and explore my new cable channels. The apartment only allows cable from a certain company, and I wanted to see what stations they provided. I scanned though the local channels, then the sports stations, then finally hit the news channels.

I didn’t realize it at first, mostly because I’ve barely watched it in the past year and a half. But there was a certain channel missing in the lineup. My cable company doesn’t provide MSNBC.

Oh, it has all the others. CNN, Fox News, CNN Headline News, two CSPANs, even CNBC. And if I pay extra money for premium channels, I can get Fox Business News. But no MSNBC.

I get everything else. I get 32 stations that play music. I get this bizarre trippy station that shows security camera footage of all the major local highways and overpasses, whilst Muzak plays in the background. (I am hoping that this is an actual channel, and not the hobby of a mass murderer in my building.) I also get the various ESPNs, including one that, in the thick of the pennant races and football, once broadcasted a middle-school Scrabble tournament.

Yet, despite all of this, no MSNBC. When I got my new cable system I was hoping against the odds that I’d get RFD. But even if Imus and Co. had completely behaved themselves, I STILL wouldn’t have been able to watch them.

So, dear reader, you have to keep me posted of all the various goings-on over there on Election Night. Some of us can only afford the "relevant channels" package.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

J-Mac Is Back

And it's about time! The Senator appeared early this morning to talk about his campaign. This article, among others, discusses his appearance.


Friday, October 17, 2008

A Distinguished Guest

Last night, Senators McCain and Obama participated in the traditional Alfred E. Smith Memorial Foundation Dinner. Their speeches were very humorous and were warmly accepted by the crowd. However, I was distracted by a very important guest at the event. Did you see who was sitting between them?

That would be His Eminence Edward Cardinal Egan, Archbishop of New York. I think that as Imus fans, we can agree that he is definitely important enough to sit next to the future President. Note that he has replaced his FedEx mitre, sunglasses, and nice striped shirt with more appropriate vestments.

Both Senators were very funny last night; but we all know that if the Cardinal had spoken, he would have blown them both away.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

You Can't Judge A Book By Its Cover...Usually

Jack Jacobs' book comes out tomorrow, and it looks like a great read. I especially like its cover. I assume it was inspired by a publisher who mused, "This is a great book, but I'm afraid that women won't like it - it's very heavy on the military. How can we get them to buy it?" Then another publisher said, "Hey! I know!"

Also: when you search for this book on Amazon, be sure to get the one called "If Not Now, When?" Don't get the one about the doomsday time machine.

-In other news, the show is apparently #5 in New York, which is beyond awesome.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

A Controversial New Hire at WABC

New York (AP): In a stunning move, Citadel Broadcasting announced that they would be hiring famous television star Alan Alda to its stable of WABC personalities.

Interestingly enough, the personality in question claims that he is actually not Mr. Alda. When contacting him, the man at the other end said that his name "was really Bob Brinker, host of a money show on WABC," and asked us to "leave me alone, or I'll call the cops."

But Citadel insisted otherwise.

"We know that Mr. Brinker is really Alan Alda, there's no denying it," their representative said. "Look at his cast picture near the bottom of the WABC Personalities Page:

"He may call himself 'Bob Brinker,' but come on, that's really Hawkeye. My blind grandmother could tell you that."

When asked the reasons behind hiring the M*A*S*H actor, Citadel cited the punditry success of his former costar, Wayne Rogers, now a financial advisor and occasional cable news contributor.

A WABC official recounts, "One night I was watching Your World with Neil Cavuto, and lo and behold, Trapper John came on. And he was giving all this brilliant advice about the stock market. And I figured, if the sidekick on that show is really smart, then wouldn't the main character theoretically be a genius? I called Farid the next day."

Before they made their hiring decision, the WABC executives holed up in their offices and watched all 251 episodes of M*A*S*H. They were duly impressed.

“There’s nothing he can’t do,” gushed a unnamed talent scout. “Like the time when he mailed the camp latrine to North Korea, that was just brilliant. Or when the 4077th had a string of bad luck, and he hired that voodoo priestess to do an exorcism on the camp. We need those problem-solving skills around here."

"I particularly liked when he dressed in a gorilla suit and harassed his bunkmate," said a senior executive. "That was what cinched it for us."

However, there is a limit to his talent.

"When we hire him, we’re hiring the 'early seasons' version of him," said an unnamed source. “We're not hiring the version towards the end of the show, where he stops being funny and just whines constantly about the war. Because those episodes, frankly, kind of sucked.”