Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Personality Disorders

Around 7th grade or so, my female classmates and I started to read the teen magazines on the grocery store shelves. This was when we discovered the “personality quizzes.” Each issue usually contained a quiz with a title like “Are You A Good Friend?” or “Is He Into You?” And when you took the quiz, you were told very important (and scientifically accurate!) things about yourself. Also, there were often only two possible outcomes. So, if the quiz were called “Will He Make A Great Partner?”, then the guy in question would either be in a fairy-tale marriage with you for fifty years; or he would lock you in the basement and father seven incestuous children with you. (And he wouldn’t even give you a Peerless Boiler.) If the quiz were called “Do You Have Good Fashion Sense?”, then you were either the best-dressed girl in the school, or you made perfect strangers weep at your awful appearance. There were no in-betweens. At any rate, I’m sure that these quizzes didn’t skew any girls’ perceptions about the future.

I was hearkened back to those years when I discovered that someone had created an Imus in the Morning personality quiz. No, seriously, they did. Entitled “From Imus to Rob to Bernard to Chris to Charles to Bo,” it was spawned from that root of all evil, Myspace.

Now I shouldn’t be knocking this quiz, because it likely came from a young person, and it’s well-intended. And a personality quiz with this subject could easily be funny or cute. But this one is… kinda odd.

First off, it was not written by a native English speaker. It was instead created by a person who speaks part tween, part All Your Base Are Belong To Us, and thus reads as if it were poorly translated from the Japanese. If any teenaged American girls are reading this, take heed: it is a tragic failing of the economy when Americans lack the skills to write their own personality quizzes, and are instead forced to import them from Asia.

For example, if you are the I-Man, you get this result: “ Your are the host on the show. You like to spend most of your time by help kids, and is nice and kind to everyone!” He must feel honored.

There are lots of other quizzes available on the website, like “Are You A Good Person?” or “Are U Ready To Have Kids?” So try to sort out your other burning life questions while you visit there, and when I get back, I hope that everyone will have solved all of their major life crises. Meanwhile, I will be out of town until next Sunday, and I will be spending most of my time attempting to redeem my soul after making jokes about the Austrian incest case. (Alas, I won’t be visiting Parsippany, which is where you should go in order to see “the guys that different charater.”)

And finally, in case you’re wondering, I took the quiz and I got Charles. This means that “You are the news person on the show. You take everyithing serious, and nice to people.” Wait, EVERYITHING serious? I does not!


laree said...


I am Rob Bartlett :) No not really but that is how that very scientific test came out. It was so probing LOL

Phyllis said...

Dear CollegeGirl,
I'm Bernard -- and dang proud of it!

Living down here in Appalachia with Jethro, Uncle Jed, Granny and all 'em, I gotta say them was really hard questions on that thar test, CollegeGirl, and I dang near wore myself out troubling over it. I became bitter and had to cling to my guns toward the last question.

For a while I thought I was going to be Hill-ery, but I ain't, praise the Lord -- I'm Bernard, that handsome devil. He sorta reminds me of Bo and Luke Duke with a little of Burt Reynolds (back before Loni and all when he was in his heyday). What do you think, CollegeGirl?

Well Bless your sweet little heart for sharing that with us. Gotta get to my chores now -- the moonshine still is actin' up, and Doofus, I mean Jim Bob, is yelling for his WD-40 and Duct Tape.

'preciate cha, CollegeGirl.

Almost sincerely,


Queenpat said...

Ah, I am Rob Bartlett. Or he is me...I am he and you are me and who are we and we are all together!

Fun quiz, CG! As fun as "I can have chzburger?"


Al said...

I didn't know where else to post this song...I think Imus would love this little tune!
She Left Me for Jesus

CG said...

Laree - I know, it was so scientific, right?

Phyllis, ma'am, I'm pleased as punch to be seein you 'round these parts again - thank you kindly for giving me a holler. Also, I suspect that the Illinois politician from the Big City has made you a bit ornery, no? :-)

Pat - I totally love I Can Haz Cheezburger. That site has made me laugh more than I'd care to admit.

And Al, that song is hilarious. I googled the lyrics, and I came up with all of these blogs from people who were horrified by it, followed by responses from other people saying "Um, it's satire." Awesome. At any rate, it was very funny.

Fake Cardinal Egan, bejeez. said...

I came up as Bernie on that quiz. I know you're ALL shocked.