Saturday, May 3, 2008

Keeping the Faith

I had lots of exams last week. Lots of exams beget studying, which in turn begets procrastination. And, more often than not with me, procrastination begets Youtube.

And one of my favorite Youtube videos of all time is the infamous discovery of Terry Bradshaw's religious album. In case you haven't seen it, Terry spends most of his time in the video verbally abusing the I-Man and going into waaaaaay too much detail about his incontinence. Meanwhile, everyone mocks his unfortunate musical choices.

As great as the clip is, the best part by far is the gospel song itself. Now, if Terry had sung a standard hymn, it would still be a little odd - this image of the MVP quarterback singing Jesus music - yet it would be endearing. But Terry did not sing a "standard hymn."

Full confession: I consider myself a follower of "the baby Jesus," and of the adult Jesus as well. Yet this song is one of the creepiest thing that I've ever heard. It's called "Dime Store Jesus," and it's about the misadventures of a woman who, it is implied, works for an "Emperors' Club" type establishment. Check out these lyrics, reminiscent of Flannery O'Connor:

Sarah was a seeker, wanderin’ through the night
Seeking lovers in the darkness, seeking Jesus in the light
Lovers she found many, but Jesus not at all

She bought an 8-by-10 from the five and dime...and nailed Him to the wall

Sarah prays to Him each night before she goes to bed
She whispers peace and lovin’, sweet visions in her head
There’s no power in that plastic, we cannot even call
He’s an 8-by-10 from the five and dime, nailed to Sarah’s wall

Don’t you know, Dime Store Jesus and the Lord are not the same

Can’t you see, Dime Store Jesus cannot save you from the flames…

This is wrong in so many ways. So, so many.

There's the last rhyme, which is brilliant for all the wrong reasons. There's the fact that the protagonist whispers "peace and lovin" Jesus.

But mostly, it's the fact that she had to nail him to the wall. She couldn't "hang" him on the wall. She couldn't "place" him on the wall. She couldn't "put him on the bedside table." No, no. She had to use a verb that invoked A) the Crucifixion and B) the act of doing it in, no pun intended, "the Biblical sense."

Terry claims that this is a very popular gospel song in some congregations. I want to find these churches. ("Turn to page 436 for our opening hymn, 'Dime Store Jesus.'") They would make Reverend Wright's congregation seem normal.


Bruce said...

Hi College Girl,

When do you graduate? Seems like forever but guess it is only since a year ago I and many others have followed your wonderful blog.

About Terry Bradshaw. Was wondering the same thing. As much as Imus discusses Fox and even CBS and NBC you would think Terry would come back. That would also include Darryl Waltrip from Nascar.

"The Dime Store Jesus" song is a parody. And I find it more light hearted than disparaging to Jesus or the baby Jesus. But all views are protected by our freedom of speech. And I respect the ones you hold.

But what do you think about the New Imus Show?

Have a great Sunday

Bruce from Florida

Al said...

Bradshaw might be too rowdy for the new Imus Show...hope not, but I guess we will find out come September...

Mike said...

It would've been great if that turned out to be a song "Pastor" Huckabee played back in the day. At least the never-ending roll of footage we'd have seen of that on CBS (so liberal they make my hair hurt!) would be less...bone-chilling than that of Rev. Wright.

You humble me in the success of your procrastination, CG! I merely replay McCord Moments on YouTube.

Queenpat said...

On YouTube,I generally locate old school parodies and a great imagnative fellow named Ernie Kovaks. CG, if you enjoy comedy done with no computer graphics, locate this:

Also, Rob has his own channel on YT.

I also wonder if this "Bruce from FL" is the same Bruce who has some interesting views over on other Imus geared sites.

For him:

CG said...

Actually, I don't think Dime Store Jesus IS a parody. Or, at least, Terry isn't singing it as a joke. The song in itself would be a pretty brilliant parody of gospel music, if it were written with that satirical mindset. But if it were written as a completely serious gospel song, well...I don't know. Al, I hope Terry comes back for football season, and I don't really know what would be holding him back. Would Al Sharpton protest over Terry's gospel songs? Seriously.

Mike, this is the one time in my life where I've been able to be productive and procrastinative at the same time. I appreciate your praise. :-)

And QP, those are some great clips. I love comedy, and I admittedly don't know a great deal about the Golden Age of Television era. But I like to learn from the masters, and I appreciate seeing those clips. Thanks a lot. :-)