Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and I thought it appropriate to give some advice to my fellow women. Pay close attention, ladies, because this is important.
Now I'm not trying to scare you. But on February 14th, there is a significant chance that your sweetie will surprise you with that gift so closely tied to hatred. Flowers.
Like I said, ladies, I don't want to frighten you. But there's always the chance, and so you must be prepared. If he dares to hand you a beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed roses, you must immediately throw them on the floor, stomp on them, and shriek that A) you can't believe he's showing you a symbol of scorn on Valentine's Day, and B) the only thing that could prove his love is an expensive necklace.
See, before I listened to the Imus program this week and heard about the romantic travails of Bob the substitute sportscaster, I had always believed that when a man gives a woman flowers, it meant, "I love you." Or maybe, "Cheer up." Or even, "I am sorry that you are stuck in the hospital with an emergency appendectomy." In this week's case it simply meant, "I'm sorry."
I never would have dreamed, however, that a gift of flowers meant "You are the most hideous being on the planet and I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns."
This is one of the reasons why I like the Imus program - I learn things. Before last week, I thought that flowers were a sweet romantic gesture. Now, as I reminisce on the times when I've received this cultural abomination, I weep with bitter sadness. Because I realize that those beautiful bouquets were actually the emotional equivalent of a Molotov cocktail.
Just remember, ladies: Be Prepared.