Sunday, January 27, 2008

A Little Something For The Ladies

Valentine's Day is fast approaching, and I thought it appropriate to give some advice to my fellow women. Pay close attention, ladies, because this is important.

Now I'm not trying to scare you. But on February 14th, there is a significant chance that your sweetie will surprise you with that gift so closely tied to hatred. Flowers.

Like I said, ladies, I don't want to frighten you. But there's always the chance, and so you must be prepared. If he dares to hand you a beautiful bouquet of long-stemmed roses, you must immediately throw them on the floor, stomp on them, and shriek that A) you can't believe he's showing you a symbol of scorn on Valentine's Day, and B) the only thing that could prove his love is an expensive necklace.

See, before I listened to the Imus program this week and heard about the romantic travails of Bob the substitute sportscaster, I had always believed that when a man gives a woman flowers, it meant, "I love you." Or maybe, "Cheer up." Or even, "I am sorry that you are stuck in the hospital with an emergency appendectomy." In this week's case it simply meant, "I'm sorry."

I never would have dreamed, however, that a gift of flowers meant "You are the most hideous being on the planet and I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns."

This is one of the reasons why I like the Imus program - I learn things. Before last week, I thought that flowers were a sweet romantic gesture. Now, as I reminisce on the times when I've received this cultural abomination, I weep with bitter sadness. Because I realize that those beautiful bouquets were actually the emotional equivalent of a Molotov cocktail.

Just remember, ladies: Be Prepared.


laree said...

I hear ya,

Don't sacrifice blooms for me.

laree said...

College Girl,

My birthday is Valentines Day I will be older GRIN.

This is the Newsday Poll link that Imus mentioned on Imus in the Morning today. Cablevision to add Channels it would be helpful if they added RFD TV that would make RFD TV and Imus in the Morning available to NYC folks right now they need a dish.,0,1374143.story

laree said...

College Girl,

The Matt Tabbi article on Hillary Clinton channeling Nixon.

laree said...

College Girl

That was the old article by Matt Taibbi on Hillary and Nixon Aug, the new article is in the latest Rolling Stone. The one with the guy from Radio Head on the Cover.