Sunday, September 23, 2007

The Goobers Are Restless

Oh, man. Here's a fun one.

In May of 1996, "Imus in the Morning" broadcasted a show from the beautiful city of Raleigh, North Carolina. Naturally, the Imus crew acted like their usual obnoxious selves, and they made a lot of tactless hillbilly jokes about "Gooberville" and its denizens.

But if we are to judge by Lexis-Nexis, apparently mayor Tom Fetzer and pro tem mayor Paul Coble got the last laugh. They issued a proclamation unto the crowd that was definitely not written by someone with Southern manners. Watch and behold as the "Imus in the Morning" gang gets brilliantly served by goobers.


WHEREAS, never before in our lackluster history has Gooberville been visited by such illustrious personages as:

-Dead President Dick Nixon (who, by the way learned everything he ever knew about the law from a university just down the road a piece);

-General George S. Patton (U.S. Army - Very Retired);

-Beavis; Bubba;

-the world's greatest "yes-man," Charles McCord;

-that foul-mouthed Damn Yankee (pardon the redundancy) Bernard McGuirk;

-and the "I-Man," an old drunk radio personality who catapulted from being a moribund "Rush Wannabe" to national infamy with 25 minutes of gut-wrenching observations about ingenious uses of Astroturf, Willie Nelson fans, spontaneously kinetic billing records, the sexual peccadilloes and other less titillating quirks of America's brightest (or at least highest paid) journalists, which he delivered right before God, the president, his Little Woman and everybody;

and, WHEREAS, even though the I-Man lives among the heathen in New York City, he renders a great service, not only to the ignorant saps of those five boroughs, but to millions of other benighted Americans residing in other cultural wastelands, by exposing them to the musical genius of Gooberville icons Delbert McClinton, George Jones and Miss Tammy;

and,WHEREAS, like all "real" men in Gooberville, the I-Man enjoys the company of a nubile (if not to say juvenile) lass, and we're all "sure as Sunday" that that pretty little girl Miss Deirdre will grow up to be a real fine-looking woman someday;

and, WHEREAS, kin is held to be near 'bout sacred in Gooberville, and since we've never been able to do much serious shopping except by mail-order catalog anyway, we think it's right smart and awful brotherly of the I-Man to shamelessly promote the third-rate wares his poor old brother - who's stuck out there in the barren New Mexican desert - is trying to get shed of;

NOW THEREFORE, do I, Tom Fetzer, mayor of Gooberville, and Paul Coble, mayor pro tem and devoted lap dog, hereby proclaim Friday, May 31, 1996, to be I-Man Day in Gooberville, and request all the sniveling jerks and weasels in this backwoods burg to "JUST GET OUT!"


Al said...

pretty funny!...

wonder if McCord wrote that...

McCord is one of the wittiest people on Earth!

CollegeGirl said...

My personal favorite was the "foul-mouthed damn yankee." Comedy gold.